Monday, January 30, 2012

Area 52: Growswell

WARNING: No flavors were harmed during the growing of these life forms.

Date: January 30, 2012
Time: 5:27pm EST
Location: A tiny vegetable garden in southeastern Virginia

Description: A humble backyard gardener, eager to add some flavor and nutrition to his evening salad, harvests a carrot. The carrot pulls easily from the fluffy composted garden soil. He shakes off some loose soil, trims the top, and then rinses the carrot. A textbook appearance. Eager to eat a second carrot out of hand while preparing his salad, he reaches back into the garden. He tugs on a green stalk, but the root does not budge. He pulls harder, and the carrot only seems to resist even more. "Feels like this thing is gripping the earth," he thinks to himself. After uttering a few foul oaths and grunting harder, the gardener finally extracts something unfamiliar.

Uncertain of what he just harvested, he holds the unknown item under a bright beam from a spotlight on the house for a closer inspection. The hair on the back of his neck suddenly tingles and stands on end, and his skin crawls with goose bumps. A dull thump is heard as he drops the thing at his feet. A shriek rings out into the night. "Dear god what is this thing?!"

Fearing that he has created a monster, the gardener runs inside the house, bolts the back door, and turns off the lights. After taking a few seconds to gather his thoughts and steady his breathing, he realizes there is only one logical reason for this aberration: It was deposited in his yard by creatures from another planet!

In a panic, he dashes back outside and scoops up the perfect carrot and anomalous beast. He snaps a quick photo to document the alien creature. He saves the picture on a memory stick. He wants proof of its existence. 

Then the gardener hears a knock at his front door. Already panicked, he begins to get suspicious. The gardener stashes the memory stick in his dirty laundry basket and runs back to his kitchen, camera in hand. Suddenly, government agents come crashing through the front door, their silhouettes illuminated by the glow of a dozen unmarked black Chevy Suburbans. Simultaneously, he hears the thump of propeller blades overhead and men in black fatigues swing down on ropes and smash through his windows. Special Ops troops surge into the fenced yard and begin shooting at all vegetables in the raised beds. 

It was over in seconds. The camera was destroyed and the broken bits confiscated. The gardener could find no trace of the perfect carrot and its deviant alien counterpart. Completely gone. Scientists quickly followed with all kinds of analytical gadgets, probing and sampling the soil and confiscated vegetables. The interrogation began, but was brief. Regardless, it took the boogeymen mere minutes to set up a safety perimeter and restrict all access to the newly designated AREA 52: Growswell.

AREA 52: Growswell, VA.

"Why Growswell," the gardener asked? 
"Because that thing grows well here," the agent said.
"WHAT grows well here?!" the gardener yelled. Before he could even finish his sentence, they were gone.

After the agents left, the gardener returned to his laundry basket and fished out the memory stick. Fearing for his own safety, but fearing for the safety of the planet if he didn't tell his story, the gardener uploaded the picture of his carrot and the extra-terrestrial being to his blog to offer proof of its existence.

A Chantenay Red Core carrot of classic appearance and creature from another planet.

The image of the alien grown in the gardener's backyard has now gone viral, carrying with it the intrigue it rightly deserves. Shrouded in mystery, the backyard vegetable garden alien now stands tall amidst the ranks of fabled beasts like Sasquatch, Loch Ness, the alien sighting at Roswell, and the carrot mustache. But know this: Nothing is as scary, intriguing, or mysterious as AREA 52: Growswell.


What Pigs Don't Know said...

Hahaha! Very inventive!!! -Carrie

Laura said...

It looks like it's about to walk off the plate!

Anonymous said...

You are the humor master. Loved the post. Where do you come up with these ideas?!